Everyone wants to sell things these days the easy way, without a permit. It is my job to make sure this does not happen. We really don't need unlicensed goods roaming the streets, ending up in who knows what hands for who knows what purpose. The tax consequences alone are a good enough reason, as well. No making money under the table when I am around. If you so much as write down an idea to sell something I'll be on you, watching. The time has come for righting these crimes, starting with that little girl at her lemonade stand.

Are you too skinny? Can't seem to gain those few extra pounds you need? A new blending of cosmetics and science may be just what you need. Apparently, the gas from whale flatulence can be harvested by special airplanes. The gas is then mixed into cosmetic lotions that can help you gain those extra few pounds.

The airplanes are equipped with sonar that is specially calibrated to hunt for whales. Sonar buoys are dropped into the water. These listen and can pinpoint whale locations. The plane then follows the whale, skimming just above the water. When the telltale ring water disturbance hits the surface, the plane activates special air intakes that harvest the gas right as it breaks the surface of the water.

When the gas is mixed into the lotion, called Whale Soft Skin Enhancer, it binds chemically to the special formula. When the lotion is applied to the skin, it causes the fat cells to build up under the surface of the skin. This lotion has been used to great result in malnourished children and in prank products such as Funny Fat.

More information on whale flatulence can be found at this site.

This is having fun with an episode of Phil Rossi's Notes From The Vault.

Image used under creative commons license. Original image taken by shellipsm.

Nintendo has released some information about the upcoming Xena: Deadly Chakram for the Nintendo Wii. This game features a new way to use the Wiimote controller. Along with the game itself there will be a rubber chakram that the Wiimote will fit into, like the Mario Kart wheel. When enemies come onto the screen, the player can throw the Wiimote chakram at the screen. If it hits the enemy, the enemy is killed. Because the chakram is made of rubber, it will bounce back to the player. Initial play testing of this game was exciting and we can't wait to try the finished product.

A Reuters article says that a man claims that Subway baked a knife into the bread of his sandwich. He is suing for a million bucks. According to the article, a colleague called Subway to complain, but they never apologized. I don't see what the problem is here. What did they need to apologize for anyways? He got what he wanted. What do you expect when you order a "Cold Cut Trio." He should only have had reason to complain if the knife was hot, and not cold, as the name suggests. People will sue for anything these days.

The necromancer raised his robed arms, gnarled hands pointing towards the void between stars. Purple light snaked from his mouth with evil incantations. The purple light encircled headstones. Earth acquiesced to rising dead. Dusty moans and bony chattering marched towards the stronghold.

Bony soldiers advanced, bones creaking, arrows loosed from the walls of the stronghold. The shafts passed through ribs or glanced off hardened skulls. By magic, they climbed the walls. Boiling oil was poured, covering the skeletons. The bones were turned black and the old joints ceased creaking. They sealed their doom by unwittingly creating black, silent ninja skeletons.

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The homeless man limped into the dark alleyway. At his side he held a half empty bottle of wine. A fly landed on the dirty blanket that was a large haggard rag on his back. The man shuffled over to a large bin and sat beside it. He brought the bottle to his lips. The bottle was slightly illuminated from a gas streetlamp at the end of the alleyway. A slight skittering noise echoed from the dark end of the alley. The homeless man lowers the bottle and his sad dark eyes peer into the blackness in the alleyway. A rat skitters out of a hole in the wall and into the halo of the streetlight. It sniffs around a bit then skitters into the darkness, disappearing when it passes out of the range of the flickering lamp light. Out of the darkness there is a squeek and a thump, then nothing. After a while, the homeless man fell asleep.

Two men walked into the alley, passing the homeless man, not seeing him. They waited in the darkness. Soon, a third man joined them. They whispered in hushed tones. One of the first two sneezed. The other two looked at him with accusing eyes. The homeless man stirred. The one man passed a package to the man who had not sneezed. The one who had sneezed gave the one man an envelope. The homeless man dropped his bottle. It thunked on the ground and its contents started spilling out. All three men stared at him. The homeless man stared past them, horrified.

The three men started towards the homeless man. He did not move, but quick and confused syllables fell out of the man's mouth like words chewed into bits. The one man pulled a knife from his pocket. The blade glinting as it came into the light of the lamp. A blur of motion shot from the darkness. One of the men behind the knife wielder crumpled to the ground. The other two men turned, the homeless man suddenly not the biggest threat. Two tentacles wrapped around a leg on each of the men, dragging them screaming into the dark. One of the screams went from terror to a low maniac cry. The other scream went silent.

The sick wet sound of a knife sticking into something wet repeated itself several times. The maniac cry continued. The sticking sound stopped with a final sucking sound then the sound of metal hitting pavement echoed from the darkness. The maniac cry's point of origin rose from near the ground to up in the air. It hung there for a moment then fell. A thud resounded from the shadows, accompanied by a wet cracking sound. The cry stopped. The sound of slurping and bones crunching from inside a giant maw continued for several minutes. When it stopped, the homeless man looked at his bottle that was laying on the ground. It's clear contents was a pool on the ground. At that moment he decided that no more was he going to store water in old bottles. Certainly it did not keep well and was dirty. He stood up quickly and limped as fast as he could out of the alleyway. From the darkness an unspeakable and blasphemous belch echoed into the night.

The android sat at the terminal and opened a small opening in his head. Underneath the false hair and skin lay complex circuitry, flashing lights, and wires. The android activated the terminal's screen and input a user name and password. From the colorful menu buttons on the black background the android selected the settings menu. An on screen message popped up and announced he was due for a system upgrade. Version 2.0 was available. The android twisted a small knob that was amidst the lights and wires in his head. He pulled it and a tube full of flashing lights and wires started extending from his head. He plugged it into a connection jack on the terminal. He pressed the download button on the terminal message. A progress bar appeared and began to fill up. The android's head jerked slightly in random directions until the upload was complete.

When the "completed" message popped up, the android disconnected the tube and retracted it into his head. He stood up and walked into the hanger bay. he activated a terminal on the wall and at a extreme rate of speed opened and closed so many menus and windows that no human eye could keep track of what he was doing. When he finished a message was on the screen. It said "Hanger Security System Deactivated."

The android walked up to a shuttle and got inside. With the same extreme speed as before he activated the shuttle and opened the hanger bay doors. The security systems declared none of this. The ship rose from the hanger floor, turned in place, then headed out into space. Before anyone knew what was happening, the shuttled was at warp speed.

---

The giant gray cube shot through space, a paragon of robotic terror. A sensor declared that a small ship was near and moving towards the cube. It kept its course and intercepted the small ship. It was a shuttle. The cube sent a message to the shuttle to join them and that it would be futile to say no. A green beam of light emanated from the cube and shimmered on the shuttle. The beam pulled the shuttle into a hanger bay onto the cube.

Once aboard, the android exited the shuttle and immediately activated a terminal. In the dim green lights, beings, mostly humanoid, covered in black tubes and electronics walked slowly in the shadows. At lightning speed the android began opening menus and making selections. A being nearby stopped what it was doing and walked over to the android and shoved a sharp two-pronged finger into the androids neck. The android ceased to work on the terminal.

The beings all around the ship all began to jerk their heads slightly in random directions for several seconds. The being that had inserted the prongs into the android removed the finger and turned from the android and took a few steps. Other beings stopped what they were doing, turned and walked a few steps. They began to speak in unison. Their words echoed across the catwalks and into the heart of the ship.

Transmissions were sent across space to other cube ships all across the galaxies. Soon the beings on those ships began to speak saying the same words.

The words echoed across the galaxy.

"We comply."

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This story was written as a little nod to J.C. Hutchin's 7th Son Trilogy. I'm still on book two on the podcast, but I am totally loving them. The story is complete and can be heard in its entirety at J.C. Hutchin's website. If you love thrillers with some technocity thrown in, clones, action, adventure, and the hunting down of the mastermind behind the assassination of the president by a 4 year old, you MUST check this podcast out. Seriously. Resistance is futile. You will comply.