On a moonless night
The murmur and the moaning
Guard your brains, Zombies!

I created this horrible video that shows my overly exposed ghastly body for the Spring Break contest by Ocean Potion to promote their sun care products.

I don't have to worry much about sun burn, I just reflect all the light away from myself with my light radiation deflector array, also known as a bald spot. Too bad it only works when I don't wear a hat and it gets burned when I don't wear a hat.

One time my dad read a book laying on his stomach and he had no shoes on, and he burned the bottom of his feet. I bet was a painful stepping stone is his life.

Wrapping yourself in tin foil works to avoid the UV rays that cause sun burn. Too bad it will also cook you like a baked potato. You might taste good with butter, too, so avoid cannibals if you ever try this.

Your best bet is to just wear proper sun tan and sun block lotions and wear hats and don't stare at the sun. Well, you can use binoculars to stare at the sun to get really discounted lasik eye surgery. Please watch the video before you do that though. This will give you the motivation to follow through.

They have dark tanning lotion that provides you with ultraviolet protection and contains anti-oxidants, vitamins A, C, and E which reduce cell damaging free radicals from waging a fanatical war against your skin, all the while allowing you to gradually develop a voluptuous suntan.

How I want a Wii
To laugh and play as children
Dang eBay's high bids

The full moon illuminated the foggy skies of London, hanging in the sky behind Big Ben. The moonlight reflected on the waters of the River Thames as the water moved at its normal pace into the ocean. But then the water began to ripple and become disturbed as something rose out of the waters. Two giant Crassostrea gigas mutanious, mutated oysters, rose from the waters into the foggy night. The fog swirled around as the moonlight reflected off their glistening shells as they began to float over the city. As they moved in the darkness, they emitted a mist that became betwixt with the fog.

A Royal guard at Buckingham Palace saw the flying oysters and notified the Royal Air Force. The RAF hailed the intruders on all frequencies, and when no response of any kind was made, they scrambled a wing of Tornado F3s into the air. They made a pass past the oysters once with no response, but on a seconds pass, one oyster shot out a stream of pearls at one of the planes, badly damaging it, forcing the pilot to eject. After this, several rockets were fired at the oysters, breaking off parts of their shells. The oysters turned towards the sea and crashed into the waters and have not been seen since.

The flight path of they oysters before they became obviously hostile was going to take them over a British convention center that was holding an annual gathering of enthusiasts of Gulf oysters. Some say they were planning an attack on the building, while skeptics claim the oysters were not that intelligent.

The following morning, thousands of people in the city became ill with nausea, vomiting and diarrhea. Others also experienced a sharp drop in blood pressure, while others suffered intractable shock. The majority of those sick also developed painful skin lesions. Doctors were at first at a loss for what could have caused the widespread sickness, but one doctor suspected a connection with the previous night's events, and researched oysters on a popular oyster awareness website. His research showed that the same symptoms that those across London matched that of the symptoms caused by Primary septicemia, an illness that can be acquired when eating oysters. It seemed that the oysters had emitted this bacteria while flying over the city. Word spread quickly and the sick were treated with prompt antimicrobial therapy and supportive care. Many have already recovered and no deaths have been reported.

Since it hit the news, the website the doctor had checked, beoysteraware.com, has been experiencing large amounts of visitors. Those surfing the site find a plethora of information on what to be aware of when eating oysters, how oysters are harvested, and recipes such as grilled oysters, oysters alfredo, and even chicago-style oyster pizza.

In the TV Series Lost, a character John Locke tends to follow a hidden agenda so full heartedly, he will do threatening and destructive actions to accomplish this goals, even going as far as destroying buildings and killing seemingly innocent people. He will act more aggressively when he himself is threatened or he is unsure what to do next. This can result in ever more dangerous action on his part.

Due to the cultural phenomena that Lost has created, this character has brought about a new slang word. The word is "Locked". It is used when someone does something that seems brash, but has their reasons that they leave unspoken or hidden. For example, if someone purposefully destroys someone else's car, but no one is quite sure why, you could say that person "Locked that car up." If someone suddenly breaks up with their boy or girlfriend for reasons left unsaid, you could say they "Really Locked up that relationship."

It is unsure how widespread this word will become and how long it will stay in use.

In an attempt to gain some rest and relaxation from constant conflict with the Brotherhood of Mutants, Professor Charles Xavier embarked on a Luxury Skiing holiday that would take him to several Luxury ski chalets. His wheel chair was fitted with special skis that attached to the wheels and are controlled with his mental powers.

His first stop was one of the luxury chalets in Meribel, France. His first day on the slopes was spent on the beginner slopes so he could practice using the new skis on his chair without doing so on tough slopes. His second say was rather exciting because it turned out that the Meribel, France Bald Men Ski Competition was taking place. He decided to enter, and managed to place 4th in the ranks.

Stop two for Professor X was at Courchevel, France. His three day stay was rest and relaxation until day three when Sabertooth decided to show up. The encounter ended without deadly violence because the Professor talked Sabertooth into a snowball fight to settle their differences. Sabertooth thought he had all the advantage, but it turned out that Beast has installed a snowball gun onto Charles' chair as a joke, but it turned out to be a very effective offense against Sabertooth who was defeated when Charles' hit a patch of slush which hit Sabertooth upside the head.

The Professor's last stop was in St Anton, Austria. Here he skied the Galzig slopes and enjoyed the distinct Tyrolean charm which is still present even after the expansion of the resorts. The much-improved lift system was easily fitted with the special mount to carry the Professor's chair to the top of the slopes.

After the much needed vacation, Professor Xavier told The Space Turtle that he was incredibly refreshed and that he was going to suggest that Magnito take a similar vacation so that perhaps he would loosen up a bit and not be so uptight.

Many Paper Forms
So many lines and boxes
The forests shrinking

Have you ever gotten a letter in the mail, opened it up, and found one of those photo birth announcements, and had no idea what was going on in the picture? Here are some helpful hints that may shed some light on what you have received.

A normal natural baby was born: This should be easy to spot. In the picture is just a baby, and nothing out of place.

A ninja baby: There will be no baby in this picture, but there may be some clues such as tiny nunchucks, soft chewy shuriken, and a baby bottle with wasabi milk.

A superhero/villain baby: This may vary, but some things to look for are the baby holding up a full sized sedan, a scar across the eye (villain), the baby is floating, or the baby is on fire but not getting burned.

A pirate baby: Was born with a parrot on it's shoulder, is trying to bury their pacifier, or has already plundered a nurse's stethoscope.

An announcement from the Zoo: If the baby is an animal, this is a good bet.

A centaur baby: Similar to a Zoo announcement, but only half the baby is an animal, and the animal part is horse-like.

An elf baby: Pointy ears, is wrapped in a beautiful swaddling made from leaves, has 200 year old parents.

A mermaid/man baby: This is a good bet if the baby is in a large fish tank.

A monster baby: The baby is terrorizing a small suburb, knocking down convenience store and crushing toy cars.

These are just a few of the common photo birth announcements you may receive. Always use caution when sending a congratulatory reply to the parents to make sure you are not mistaken to avoid making embarrassing comments, such as congratulating a mother and father of having a new baby superhero when in fact it was just a picture of the families new full sized sedan.

Part one
Part two
Part three

I walked up to the man who had been following me as he was trying to reach into my window to open my car door. I decided to break the ice before I broke his arm.

"Hey buddy, mind keeping your mitts off my car? Just because it has a lousy paint job doesn't mean I don't mind you messing up my car" I said to him.

He turned and growled at me. I took a step back as I caught a whiff of his rancid breath that smelled of old fish. He pointed his finger at me and muttered "Youh sstay awway!" in a slurring tongue.

"Listen chum, you are the one breaking into my car." I replied.

His reply was less courteous. He made a snarly grimace and throw himself at me. I sidestepped him but got a glimpse of webbed hands with claws and what appeared to be gills on the side of his neck as he stumbled past me. He turned around to keep up the attack, but came face to barrel with my .38 Special. I think it was the look in my eye and the sudden lack of witty remarks that told him that I just might not think twice about putting a lead weight into his head, which looked a lot more aquatic than before. He stumbled off towards his car and drove away. I holstered my gun and got into my car. I glanced at the school and saw a few faces keeping out the windows that disappeared as soon as they saw me looking.

I let out a sigh and started thumbing through the book the librarian had given me. Most of it seemed like mystic mumbo jumbo, but then again I did just attacked by someone who looked too much like a fish to be comfortable. A page fell open to a bookmark. The bookmark wasn't anything special, but the page it marked mentioned a story about summoning some sort of healing waters by calling upon someone named Hydra while standing at a place called Obed's Point. I got out my map and saw that it was near the seaside town of Innsmouth. I decided it was the best clue I had, and started driving.

To Be Continued...

A new hero has been roaming the streets of the city lately. He calls himself the Chief of the Coupons. He wears a white suit with his symbol, a gray and red overlapping pair of C's, and a mask to conceal his true identity. He carries with him a laptop connected to the internet wirelessly. His modus operandi is that he will find shoppers who are about to buy something, and will check the online version of the store they are shopping and and show them online coupons to see if they can get better deals by purchasing their items online.

The Space Turtle interviewed some shoppers that the Chief visited in recent days. Here are their stories:

"I was shopping for Valentine's Day at Target and the Chief showed up and found the same things I was going to buy in the store on-line with coupons to make it cheaper. He even got me free shipping, all in time for Valentine's Day!" -Jeff

"I was buying my hubby a nice suit at Brooks Brothers for when he was going to take me out on Valentine's Day. That Coupon Man found the same suit on-line with a coupon and saved me a bundle!" -Carla

Some of the retail stores are frustrated and blaming the Chief that their customers are turning to on-line shopping to find better deals, but the Chief continues to try and help anyone he can, anywhere he can.